Becoming Domestic

I had such an inspiring post from a woman called Caz who has 5 children who admitted that getting housework done is a challenge but this very blog had inspired her. I was so flattered and so pleased that she’d written to me I thought I’d stop thinking about the garden for a while and think back to my new found skills of (basic) household management & how I keep on top of things when I’m so easily distracted & housework can be so repetitive, never ending and thankless drudgery.

Our house and my kids lives are relatively well managed due to a few basic mantras (mainly pinched from the FlyLady in the US):

1. Keep to a routine. My watch broke this week and it’s only now without it I realise how hooked we are to having lunch, snacks, bath and bedtimes at the same time each & every day. I discovered this miraculous way of living when the kids were just 10 weeks old and before this revelation I honestly thought I was going to have to run away to a foreign country I found new motherhood so awful & unpredictable. Our timetable for life with the 4 year olds is still basically the same routine we implemented back then (and regained sanity and peaceful lives) albeit with fewer naps and no more hour-long milk feeds.

   7am wake up; 8am tv off, breakfast, unload dishwasher, get dressed, washed, teeth brushed; 10.30am snack time for them (toast, milk)/breakfast for me; 12 noon lunchtime; 3pm snack time; 4pm tv allowed on (son glued to it, daughter helping me with whatever I’m doing in kitchen/garden); 5pm tea time; 6pm bath time & story; 7pm bedtime; 8pmish grown ups dinner; 10-11pm shower/bath, start dishwasher, bedtime.Another more relaxed routine I have is to do same chores on same day each week so that if it’s Monday I know it must be change bed sheets day, Wednesday is empty all bins and recycling as the bin men come early Thursday, shop for groceries on Friday.

2. ‘Progress not perfection’. I no longer get palpitations at the enormity of a series of tasks need to achieve abolute 100% tip-top condition and no longer shy away from a task. Eg. if all the flower beds in this house are over grown with weeds the fact that I’ve started weeding one of them is great, I’ll do some more on it when I can.
3. ‘Pick up after yourself’ & ‘Use loads of wicker baskets to chuck things in’ then every so often take the full one at the bottom of the stairs up to the top. I’ve got one right here next to me that I’ve chucked paperwork to be filed in. Tomorrow I’ll sort the papers into my filing cabinet and the basket may then be used to collect ‘things that really live downstairs’ or ‘things that the kids keep in their room’ or ‘library books to return’ or ‘cups/glasses from Bealers’ office that need a wash’. You get the picture. I wouldn’t be without my wicker baskets.
4. Leave a room in the state you would wish to find it in on entering it (ie. when leaving the house at least clear the breakfast things off the table and give it a quick wipeover instead of being greated by encrusted bowls of sour milk and cereals when you arrive home at the end of the day).
5. So much more can be done in 2, 5 or 10 minutes than one imagines. While the bath is running and the kids are ‘hiding’ in their duvet covers from one another I’ve got time to hang a basket of clothes on the airer or put away a folded basket of dry clothes, while the kids are in the bath I can wipe the sink and the loo (oh here’s another one… ‘A clean loo is so much easier to keep clean’ just a quick wipe round the boys area with a bit of toilet tissue is all it takes - it’s less yucky than wiping a baby’s bottom), write a list or a thank you note.
6. Get complete outfits ready for yourself and the kids before the morning. This doesn’t have to be last thing at night as I used to do (and then realise I was too tired to be bothered), the clothes can be put out as kids are getting ready for bed. This way no-one is running around looking for clean socks, matching trousers the next morning when time is short and tempers are too sleepy to be nice.
7. Wear lipstick/do hair nice and wear ok clothes instead of stained t-chirts, tracksuit bottoms. On the days when I remember this one (thanks Anna P. you domestic goddess) I’m pleased I did as I feel a better woman and the kids always say nice things about me looking so pretty. On the days I don’t I invariably wish I did as someone will ask me whether I’m ill or I’ll randomly bump into an old flame from yesteryear (damn that).
8. (This one can be hard) Remembering to feel the love for the house and the people in it when you are doing the same old, same old each day. As I peg out the clothes on the washing line each day & then dash to get them in before it pours with rain I try to look at each of the smaller garments and marvel at the fact that my kids are still so cute and small (usually at this point they start screaming at each other, pulling hair etc), that we’re lucky to have such nice things to look after, such nice food from the supermarket to put away, lovely lawn to mow, nice bed linen to lie in.

   The flipside of my constant guilt at how privelaged we are in western society compared with so many with so little is to be constantly grateful for my lot - I have extremely good health, a husband who loves and provides for me, a house which is more than adequate for my needs, a fine selection of clothes, healthy bright kids etc etc etc. If things ever feel rubbish I try to recall all of this instead of thinking ‘I can’t believe I only vacuumed this floor yesterday and now it’s covered in rice krispies and bits of paper again’. There are so many women in this world who would give almost anything to be in my position. Another thing which is not such a positive way of being grateful for my current role is the profound awareness that this period in my life is relatively short lived. My kids will be grown up and the house will be a very quiet, tidy place for a long time after they stop living here. It makes me sad to think this but somehow does enable me to appreciate being chief housekeeper right now…

Beatrix is Three

by Adrian Mitchell

At the top of the stairs

I ask for her hand. O.k.

She gives it to me.

How her fist fits my palm

A bunch of consolation.

We take our time

Down the steep carpetway

As I wish silently

That the stairs were endless.

What we ate today:

(Kids) Eggie Bread / French Toast & Frankfurters for lunch, Cauliflower cheese & refried new potatoes for tea.

(Grown ups) Hungarian beef goulash casserole with boiled rice

I’m writing this with tears pouring down my cheeks as I’ve learned this week that one of the mothers I wait in the playground with is having treatment for cervical cancer. Sam is the mother of four young children and was so kind to me when I told her I’d miscarried my pregnancy. When I told her she looked tired the other day (unsurprising given that she works in a fish & chip shop while the kids are at school, dashes back to collect them and then is back at the chip shop for 6pm each evening until midnight) she told me she was poorly.

14 years ago almost to the day my dearest friend, Tina Stone, was killed by ovarian cancer just two weeks before her 25th birthday. I lived with Tina who was 5 years older and wiser than me, until I left to go to university and at the same time she was hospitalised and treated with chemotherapy. What haunts me to this day is that while I was enjoying the thrills of university life I wasn’t doing all I could for the most amazing girl I may ever have the privilege of knowing. I wrote letters, visited her but did nothing of a practical nature. This time of year always always reminds me of her untimely death and of how much I miss her and how the world is a poorer place without her humour, her wisdom, her kindness, her originality, ethics and beautiful face.

Sam, my new school-mum chum, was kind enough to buy me a huge box of chocolates last month when I was blue but yesterday I was really stuck for ideas on how I could show her I cared. In the end I wrapped up and gave her a nice make-up bag I had in the present drawer with a few sample pots of moisturiser, mascaras, lipsticks etc and also a pretty poetry book called ‘101 Poems to Get You Through the Day (and Night): A Survival Kit for Modern Life’ by Daisy Goodwin but it didn’t seem enough. I offered to look after her youngest daughter who is in pre-school with my two anytime.

Today I looked up on the internet How to Help a Friend with Cancer which came up with the following suggestions by a woman called Kelly Corrigan who has survived breast cancer. I like these suggestions as they are simple, involve no shopping and would probably be most gratefully received by a tired, stressed, cancer patient trying to maintain the status quo with young children to feed, clothe and put to bed each day.

1. Send her one-way communications.

Of course you want your friend to know you’re thinking of her, but you don’t want to bog her down with the responsibility of calling you back. “You always have to stress that there’s no need to reply, you don’t need to call me back, I just want you to know I’m on your team,” Corrigan says. She recommends sending cards or e-mails, since, unlike voice-mails, they don’t seem to demand a reply.

2. Stick with her.

“Cancer treatments go on for a long time,” Corrigan notes, “so there’s a flurry of activity in the beginning and then it peters out. And you have so much adrenaline in the early stages of getting diagnosed and starting your treatment that you kind of peter out.” In light of that, stretch out your support over the long haul, and especially to the end, when your friend will probably be feeling more tired and down.

3. Celebrate milestones.

Be aware of your friend’s calendar of treatments so you can commemorate them with her. “It’s very flattering that somebody knows that you have only two more chemos or you’re halfway through radiation,” says Corrigan, whose best friends whisked her away on an overnight trip to Napa Valley when she hit her halfway mark. “And when I finished chemo, everyone who had ever come to sit with me while I was getting my infusion was invited over to our house for champagne. They stayed for only an hour, and we gave out funny awards. It was a nice way to mark the end of chemo, which is such an exciting day.”

4. Make her comfortable.

Corrigan received some clever and thoughtful gifts, several of which focused on making her feel cozy and comfortable. “One person brought me a bag of cute, funny socks,” she recalls. “They were all really warm, and I wore them when I was getting my infusion. And then I wore them when I was laid up from chemo. It was such a pick-me-up. I felt it reflected that she just wanted me to be as comfortable as possible.” A second friend put together a kit to keep Corrigan entertained during her chemo infusions: a few CDs of her favorite radio program and a player on which to listen to them. And since radiation is tough on the skin, another pal compiled a “radiation care package,” filled with organic soaps, aloe, and a soft front-buckle bra that Corrigan could easily unbuckle at her treatments.

5. Help her feel pretty.

When a friend is ill, especially with cancer, she’s not feeling or looking like herself. While undergoing her chemotherapy, Corrigan relished gifts that reminded her of her femininity. “You lose your eyelashes and eyebrows by the end, as well as your hair,” she says, “so earrings, lipsticks, pretty scarves, manicures, pedicures — they help.”

6. Take care of things she might not be thinking about.

Housekeeping chores are not likely to be the first thing on your friend’s mind during an illness. How about helping her out with those? Offer to make grocery trips, take over the kids’ carpools, or run other errands. If you don’t have time yourself, there are other ways to help out. “Somebody sent their gardener over to spruce up my garden,” Corrigan recalls gratefully. “It was so nice, because I would walk past my garden every day, and it was dying, and it was driving me crazy. But that was so far down on my list of things to worry about. But it just bums you out. You feel like you’re wilting and browning, and then you’re walking past all these browning flowers that used to look so great.” Two of her friends also chipped in to get her a housecleaner every other week, freeing her up from worrying about keeping the house in order and providing her with a clean, comfortable bed to come home to after chemo.

I’ve got two more meals left this week before my in-laws come to visit and babysit for us (yay!) while we go to see Leyton Orient play football in Cheltenham and spend an evening having a meal out together somewhere but have bought some pork chops to make mustard/cider pork chops and some stewing beef for hungarian goulash.

Tonight we ate:

(Kids) Tuna pasta bake

I always forget about this one which is strange as they both *love* it, it is easy to make and I always have all the ingredients in. Surprising that they don’t end up having it every night. Pasta with a cheese sauce with additional tin of tuna & sweetcorn, grated cheese on top and under the grill for a couple of minutes to make it look more appealing.

(Grown ups) Quorn lemon & black pepper things with sprouting brocolli and new potatoes

Not my favourite but there they were in the freezer and I opted for an easy dinner

Yesterday we ate:

Wheat free lasagne

What a revolution for someone who can’t eat wheat but loves lasagne - buy sheets of non-wheat lasagne from the local health food store and make the cheesey sauce using cornflour instead of plain flour. Delicious. Even more delicious having more heated up for lunch today as something magic happens to it overnight in the fridge.

Sunday we ate: 

Roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, carrots, peas, cauliflower, stuffing and gravy

Thank you Bealers! No idea how to cook a roast myself but do enjoy eating them… (Kids then had refried, sliced roasties for tea the next evening and we had loads of chicken sandwiches/salads)

I’ve not put much energy into writing as every spare moment seems to be spent at my new potting table getting more little pots filled with seed compost, adding some seeds, labelling, watering and finding another bit of space in the lounge which now even smells like a greenhouse! So far we have planted tomatoes (sungold and garden pearl); chillis (jalapeno, bolivian rainbow and some frozen scotch bonnets); onions, spring onions & shallots; sweet peas (I soaked them overnight in water as I remembered that this helps their tough seed coat to split) planted into loo roll cardboard tubes I had saved as they apprently like to grow a long root; hollyhocks; geranium (only 10 in a pack costing £4 so I hope these germinate!); lobelia; carnations.

Blimey what a heavenly weekend - all four of us spent it in the garden doing loads of work to our rented house’s garden.

We moved into this house last summer just as the heat wave began and had lots of unpacking and getting settled to be done. Last year we simply enjoyed the huge amount of space around us and the kids loved running round the lawn but this year I just have to have some flowers to nuture and enjoy. As the garden consists of a 100ft x 100ft of grass (plus a veg patch at the back) it needed some serious elbow grease to create some flower beds and a lot of plants, seeds to bring in a splash of colour. My previous garden was a joy but super-small at 50×20ft one plant would fill up a large section of border in no time.

While I weeded and dug over our new vegetable patch, Bealers dug dug dug and then dug some more until he’d created a triangle flower bed for me where there had previously only been lawn, a blessed little bin lid pond raised up on some large rocks he’d unearthed AND THEN he dragged an old shabby table up from the mouldy basement and created a potting table for us by the back wall. My hero!

The kids ran around climbing trees, using the swing we got from Freecycle, watering plants and had their first picnic of 2007. What an absolute joy!

Time and time again Bealers and I grinned at each other across the lawn and agreed that we were so thrilled to be living our new lives in the countryside, being out in the fresh air and enjoying simple garden based pursuits. Buzzards soared around overhead as did the noisy pheasant family and we looked forward to many more hours of digging, planting and exercising in our little piece of heaven.

Eden’s Garden

I conducted a little audit of the seeds I’ve collected over the past year and started jotting down what we had and when things should be sown. The tomatoes and chillis got planted lovingly into pots of seed compost and watered with luxury luke warm water and labelled. Next will be lettuce, sweet peas and geranium seeds (can’t believe I bought a pack of geranium seeds for £4 and when I got home saw that it only has 10 seeds in it!).

Exciting times! Just as well we never use our front room as it has been turned into a plants-only zone, all over the piano, coffee tabl, foot stool, and basically ever flat surface which isn’t floor.

This evening I watched a really great television proramme called ‘Christine’s Garden‘ (great website too with lots of basic gardening tips) about a northern woman who is 100% into her garden and her job as a horticulturalist. She LOVES gardening and she especially loves spring time as things are changing every day, sprouting, growing and sap rising.

The two best tips I came away with were (1) bring your bag of cold potting compost into the house the night before you start planting seeds as this takes the chill off the compost and helps them get started (b) use luke warm water to water newly pricked out seedlings as again this helps them and doesn’t give them a nasty shock like cold water does. Brilliant!

I could really relate to her enthusiasm as I’ve realised over the years that I actually do come out of some sort of winter survival slumber when spring arrives with it’s extra light, new shoots, beautiful flowers and the sounds of birds all around. It’s so lovely being outside once the weather becomes tollerable. I feel so excited at this time of year. I am a really big fan of Spring like many people.

This year being in the countryside instead of the city from the begining of the year for the first time I am noticing things like baby bumble bees (I had to have my frend tell me that’s what they were), the clusters of ladybirds in the corners of my windows which I thought were dead all woke up today (all except their friends who were vacuumed up months ago) and got taken to the garden, and colourful pheasant fellows with their harems of female birds who follow them wherever they go (usually into our garden with a great quacking noise)

As I’ve already said I can’t wait to get cracking on sowing seeds into little tiny pots and watching their first leaves poke through. With a bit of luck this year we’ll have lovely cut flowers for the house (dahlias, gladiolas, chrysanthmums and some others I’ve forgotten the names of), some pretty cottage garden flowers in the front garden and round the back too and fingers crossed an abundance of free, organic fresh fresh fresh vegetables for just the price of a few packs of seeds, trays and a couple of bags of compost - oh yes and time/energy to do start it, continue it, water and feed it and harvest it.

I’ll write more about what I’m doing in the garden but for now I’m just going to go and dream about what it might look like and how to do it. We’re so lucky to have left the city and to have so much of Mother Nature to ourselves. I can’t quite believe it.

Beefburgers with secret veggies stashed inside (from Libby who I suspect became domestic quite a while ago and could probably run seminars to the rest of us attempting to become domestic one distant day)

I use organic beef mince..then throw in a naughty packet of frozen steamed veg which I’ve blended a bit..then add an egg and some bread crumbs and tomato sauce.

Shape into patties and dry fry (enough oil in the meat) or bake.

Then I sandwich betwen 2 pieces of bread with ketchup and use a cup or mug to press down over the whole thing which kind of makes sealed beef burgers. The kid think this is super cool!

They are great because you can freeze them too so I make a batch!

Thanks Lib! - that’s Monday’s tea sorted for us (unless the bacon from tonight’s super runs out before then)

I’ve started adding a note about what we ate in our house at the end of most posts partly because I’m always really inspired by whatever other people are making (thanks Libby for your great ‘Beefburgers with secret veggies stashed inside’ recipe this week - see above) but also as I do have a brain like a sieve it may help to remind me of some of the easy, yet tasty & nutritious meals I’ve cooked which everyone in this house has enjoyed.

I’m especially fond of recipes which only require one pan/pot to make as I’m not a huge fan of washing up when I could be reading, playing, gardening, chatting or sleeping instead.

Yesterday we ate (but it seemed inappropriate to add it to the end of a post about over population and scarce resources):

(Kids) Can’t remember (see, I told you I have a terrible memory!) - oh I know they had chocolate cake followed by chocolate krispie cakes as my lovely new friend Denise held a little birthday tea party for me and the kids at her house (and she’s got a 14 week old baby so she is clearly good at multi-tasking!)

(Grown-ups) Really nice mushroom risotto (with added bacon for Bealers who isn’t that fond of risotto)

I discovered while I was suffering from all-day morning sickness for the first 3 months of this year that I could quite happily eat risotto twice a day, every day. They are super easy to make and slightly therapeutic too as you have to watch them and stir in a lazy fashion once in a while.

Finely chop an onion and fry gently in large spoon of butter, add some risotto rice (I’m not one for measuring or being accurate with recipes) - perhaps half a packet, stir to coat the rice in butter, fry finely chopped smoked bacon and thinly sliced field mushroom, add a large glass of fairly nice white wine and let simmer. As the juices get soaked up add a large ladle of veg or chicken stock and keep repeating until the rice is cooked (about 20 mins). I chucked in a small handful of frozen peas near the end for extra colour and veg quota. Just before serving grate a generous handful of fresh Parmesan cheese in and give it a good stir. I serve it the consistency of creamy porridge but I guess some people like it saucier and some like it stodgier.

If you have any left over it’s really nice the next day cooked as little burger shaped patties. They go really crispy on the outside.

A lovely birthday present to me from Bealers this week was an hour spent on this blog installing a spam filter & ensuring that any email sent to the ‘becomingdomestic.co.uk’ domain now gets to me.

I was really shame-faced when he discovered at least 5 or so comments from lovely readers asking questions or just wishing us well that I’d not seen amongst the thousands of stupid email/comments I was getting from automated spam sending programs. Aaaggghh. I’m so sorry Merry, Giles, Jax, Clint and others. I’m so happy that you’ve been in touch but so sorry I never read your emails or replied (I will do now!).

The good news now though is that thanks to Bealers hard work I won’t get 100+ daily emails about p0rn or pen1s extensions but I will get actual comments from actual people! What a cool present to receive.

Today we ate:

(Kids) Warmed up left over cheesy pasta for lunch, tea was toast with peanut butter and marmite (together - much more delicious than it sounds) and fruit chunks for desert.

(Grown-ups) Bacon and butter bean casserole (from Nigel Slater’s Kitchen Diaries)

Soak 500g of dried butter beans overnight or during the day. Before today I had never soaked my own beans - can’t quite believe that for someone who is now 35, loves home cooking, being thrifty and is a big fan of pulses. Usually always used tins. Drain and boil in UNSALTED water for an hour.

Fry 2 roughly chopped onions with 4 x whole cloves of garlic (peeled though) in a casserole, add a roughly chopped carrot, two tins of plum tomatoes, a tablespoon of paprika, black pepper and salt and the beans and their liquor. I added a couple of bay leaves as the recipe called for thyme but I had none. Bung a joint of bacon in the middle and stick in the oven (180deg)while you bath the kids, read them their story and get them tucked in. 1 hour or so later you have a yum one-pot feast and a huge slab of bacon from which to make endless sandwiches over the coming weekend.

I was a tad taken aback by this comment I received today having suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks just one month ago:

Do you think there is a conflict between your desire to be green, and to have more children?

e.g. see : http://observer.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,2036598,00.html

David.

BUT then I read the article and was dumbfounded to learn that the debate on how to reduce or halt the predicted population explosion (lets face it is already happening in a big way as I reported 12 years ago in my degree level dissertation on the effects of uncontrolled population growth upon the environment which is needed to support human life) is simply not taking place at any level.

When I was studying environmental science at university in the early 1990s I couldn’t understand why no-one in the media was as fearful for the Humankind’s future survival on our planet & even remember people denying that there was any cause for concern at all. Really I shouldn’t be surprised to hear that the tough discussion about how we are to keep human population numbers to a managable level hasn’t even begun yet alone. Shocking though.

It’s such a strange situation that in less economically developed countries especially, very little money (for contraception) or education is available to help women and their families know that they can choose to have a smaller number of children if they wish.

Strangely it was only yesterday evening, before receiving this comment, while reading The Times Book of Space to my (way too young) four year olds I recalled my undergraduate fears and near obession about the terrible fate of humans if no-one in power started doing LOADS to stop the uncontrolled growth of our numbers. Especially in areas of the world where resources are scarce. I came across a page which told us how many people live on our planet (approx 6 billion) and that by 2050 there is likely to be twice this number. Blinking back the sudden tears I had to explain to the children that Yes, 6 billion is a bigger number than one hundred and eighty.

In answer to the (slightly tactless) comment about my desire to have more children (do I? I’m not sure. I was pregnant, now I’m not. <shrug>) and whether it conflicts with my desire to be green… Hmmm. It certainly crossed my mind more than once in the past that each person I create & raise increases the population by an unknown number dependant on how many offspring they have and so on (eg. my 93 year old grandma is now responsible for 8 people existing all of whom would have saved places on this planet if she’d never had kids).

My final thought is that I’m doing my little bit and my best no matter how small an impact that actually has on the saving our life-giving environment. This means I feel a tiny bit less awful about humans’ impending doom; my kids are well versed in the importance of living responsibly on the Earth (only today when we had to make an emergency plea to the bemused owner of the local laundrette if we could use his toilets today. As we came back through from his store rooms son asked me loudly ‘Mummy why does he use enormous boxes of washing powder which will hurt and kill the fishies?‘ while my daughter said thank you to him). Bealers and I like the idea of having three kids, especially because we had twins first time round and feel that another person is somehow missing.

I also feel that the Earth’s environment is going to need hell of a lot of good people who care to clean up the awful mess that’s been created and I’m rasing bright, strong healthy, aware children who will be in a position to do this. If we do have one more baby it will not be my fault that one day in the future humans will struggle to survive and will probably become extinct it will be because of eejits like George W. Bush who could have made a big difference but chose not to. Or will it? Oh god the guilt of caring so much…

All comments to this blog are always very gratefully received. Thanks to David for making my student passions come alive again.

Further reading:

• I was a little obsessed by Julian Huxley while at university. He was the brother of Aldous but a great Humanist, Environmentalist and generally very interesting man.
• http://www.overpopulation.org/
  

  It took the US 200 years to go from 7 babies per family to two. “Bangladesh has [nearly] done that in 20. Iran has more than halved its fertility rate in a decade.”
  Carl Haub - Population Reference Bureau

  Before, we didn’t know how to control pregnancy, we didn’t have the education, and people in the area were having nine or ten children. We have 18 families and no one has more than three children. The health of the children and mothers has improved, and so has the spacing of babies. Everyone understands the importance of family planning now. Vincente Jarrin and Maria Juana Jarrin Malca, Husband and Wife Family Planning Promoters in Pasquazo Zambrano, Ecuador
  2005
  

• Population and the Environment: The Global Challenge
  By Don Hinrichsen and Bryant Robey
  As the century begins, natural resources are under increasing pressure, threatening public health and development. Water shortages, soil exhaustion, loss of forests, air and water pollution, and degradation of coastlines afflict many areas. As the world’s population grows, improving living standards without destroying the environment is a global challenge.